20-Something and Afraid: An Open Letter

20-something and afraid, an open letter to myself, from xoalwaysrae.com

I’m afraid of myself.

I’m afraid of my power and my ability to succeed. I’m afraid to surpass the ones who I currently walk with. I’m afraid of the future and who I might be and what I may mean to it.

I’m afraid that I actually will end up with everything I want yet at the same time I’m afraid that I’m asking for too much. I’m afraid of security and stability, although that’s what I crave more than anything.

I’m afraid of peace and calm because I don’t know what that will look like, what it will sound like. Boredom? Satisfaction? Quiet? I’m afraid to go deeper and explore what I’m interested in. I’m afraid of the answers to the questions I ask myself as I toss and turn at night.

I’m afraid that I was chosen for something bigger and I’m afraid that I could be fooling myself. Me? Chosen? Something bigger than myself? I’m afraid to even figure out what that really means.

I’m afraid to listen to the advice of others because do any of us really know what we’re talking about? I’m afraid that we’re all afraid and some of us are just better at hiding it than others, while the rest of us anxiously go through life lying to ourselves.

I’m afraid to die with all of these dreams and ideas and thoughts bottled up inside of me. I’m afraid that I’m spending too much time being afraid of what the future will look like that I’m missing out on my present. I’m afraid that I’ve already wasted too much time.

I’m afraid of consuming myself, instead of consuming the world and all of its offerings. I’m afraid that I’m blocking myself from the happiness I know somewhere deep down inside I deserve.

I’m afraid that I won’t stop being afraid and just live, already.

How do I stop this fear? How do I let go? Is there even an answer?

Maybe just move forward, blindly, but with faith.

Faith, love, and courage...

 

xo always, RAE