When I Lost You I Found Me

When I Lost You I Found Me, from xoalwaysrae.com

*Today's post is a little bit different - I wanted to creatively express thoughts that are a reflection of my reality once upon a time. I hope that it resonates with you but, most importantly, I hope it gives you the courage to let go of anybody in your life who is holding you back from becoming everything you are meant to be. May you find yourself somewhere between these lines and within these words.*

I held on for as long as I could. I promise I did.

There I was swinging from the ledge, trying not to let go. I tried and I cried and I tried some more, but my body was too weary to keep clenching. My mind was too restless to keep stressing.

My heart was completely emptied and I let them do it. I emptied myself to fill them. I gave and gave and gave and of course why wouldn’t they take and take and take?

I didn’t know who I was. I only knew who I was to them. I knew a version of myself, a story I made up to help me sleep at night. I was just another person running on empty, ready to crash, and fade into the darkness of the siren-filled night.

But I couldn’t let go of them. They were an intrinsic part of me and if I let go then what was left? An empty carcass? A withering tree only valuable if producing fruits for others? Who I was I without them?

Oh, how I needed them...

There once was this man I loved. I used him as my fairytale - a narrative I told myself to hide from reality. I needed him to protect me from me. I needed him to be my excuse to run away from who I was meant to be. I needed his hurt, his pain, his disrespect. I needed him to be the noise in my life because being alone with my thoughts was deafening. 

It wasn’t ever really about him, though. it wasn’t about how many times he lied to my face. It wasn’t about how many times he made promises he never could keep.

Then when I tired of him I ran to them. Friends and foes, anyone who would listen to my woe is me stories. I tried to pretend that they really cared about me. I desperately wanted to believe that they were really listening.

it was never about them, either. It was never about the let downs or lost connections. it didn’t matter how many times we said we would catch up and never did. it didn’t matter how many times I looked through my phone and scrolled searching for a name, any name, to talk to.

It was about me. I was causing myself pain by holding on to those who weren't worthy of my time or love or devotion.

A path of solitude was the path I now knew I needed to take. 

Lonely nights followed by lonelier nights. But those lonely nights started to build me. The tears I silently cried to myself flowed into a river, helping me float to my next destination in life where I was awaiting myself.

I still sit on the edge of my bed in the blackness of the night and weep sometimes. I mourn their loss. I mourn what could’ve been and what was. I mourn the old me that settled for companionship, no matter how crappy that companionship was.

It would be so much easier to accept less than what I deserve. It would be so much easier to dim my light. It would be so much easier to put out the flames that burn in my soul for something more, for something better. Easy is instantaneous. Who wouldn’t want comfort now?

But what’s the point of comfort if it’s only temporary?

Who, you ask? Just faces and names; faces and names I love dearly to this day but faces and names I had to let go of to become the new me. 

Meaningless names in phones deleted. Pictures with empty memories deleted. Faces that float in and out of my life deleted, deleted, deleted.

I can finally see me.

I can finally hear me.

I can finally love me.

This wasn’t easy. I didn’t want to, I promise I didn’t. But I had to lose you. I had to run away as far as possible and never be able to find my way back. I’m on a different path, a path I knew one day or another I would have to take.

Never think that you still don’t have a hold on me. Your gravity seduces me every day. But now as you try to pull me in I must continue to push away further, far from what I used to know. Far away from you.

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

Though you may see me cry from afar know that I am at peace. My heart is full and my mind is at ease.

Thank you for letting me let go and not putting up a fight. I know one day you may try to find your way back, but just know that I am okay. I found me and that’s all I ever really needed.

When I lost you I found me and for that I thank you.

xo always, RAE

loveRAEself love2 Comments